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August 15, 2014 at 12:00 AM
When it comes to amnesia fics, you generally want several chapters to deal with the amnesiac getting their memories back. It allows for drama and character development. It's not the kinda thing for a one shot. If you were to expand on this idea by adding more chapters, this would be a must read. As it is now; it's a decent one-shot.
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January 30, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I have to say I'm disappointed in this story. Your premise had so much potential, but you threw away all the intrigue self-discovery shy interactions. All in favor of rushing to a mediocre sexy with tentacles.
If you had told the story of the beginning of black fire being injured losing her memory being nursed back to health by Raven black fire slowly falling for her, wondering if Reagan felt the same way Raven falling for black fire, wondering if black fire felt the same way, unable to read her emotions because Raven's emotions were getting in the way. That would've made this a good story.
If you had told the story of how they had finally realized that each other, felt the same way and slowly began to explore the physical side of their attraction that would've made this a very good story.
Instead, however, you just told everyone how the beginning was in as few words as possible, and that makes this a very disappointing story.
It is my hope that you will consider rewriting the story and in the future. Keep in mind that the sex while it is important is not the most important part of the story. The most important things in the story are the intrigue and mindset of the characters. Your readers want to know what your characters are thinking and feeling both physically and emotionally.
So good luck on your next story: Aysha.
If you had told the story of the beginning of black fire being injured losing her memory being nursed back to health by Raven black fire slowly falling for her, wondering if Reagan felt the same way Raven falling for black fire, wondering if black fire felt the same way, unable to read her emotions because Raven's emotions were getting in the way. That would've made this a good story.
If you had told the story of how they had finally realized that each other, felt the same way and slowly began to explore the physical side of their attraction that would've made this a very good story.
Instead, however, you just told everyone how the beginning was in as few words as possible, and that makes this a very disappointing story.
It is my hope that you will consider rewriting the story and in the future. Keep in mind that the sex while it is important is not the most important part of the story. The most important things in the story are the intrigue and mindset of the characters. Your readers want to know what your characters are thinking and feeling both physically and emotionally.
So good luck on your next story: Aysha.
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July 7, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I liked the exposition part, the whole "making-it-make-sense" thing, without some kind of mistress/slave-scenario for a change.
But the actual sex scene seemed to short. It just seemed incredibly rushed. I would have wished it was longer, with more describtion of both the girls actions(mostly Raven's, as Blackfire is a little preoccupied ;) Describing them stripping/ doing a striptease for each other would've been great) and those of the tentacles' and the girls feelings/ reactions about it. I mean, this seems to be a rather new experience for Blackfire, and how Raven can keep up her concentration to create the tentacles while being fucked in her ass and pussy at the same time is beyond me.
I hope you're not offended by my nitpicking, as I critized mostly just some details. The story has its flaws but still is very hot and sexy. Keep it up!
But the actual sex scene seemed to short. It just seemed incredibly rushed. I would have wished it was longer, with more describtion of both the girls actions(mostly Raven's, as Blackfire is a little preoccupied ;) Describing them stripping/ doing a striptease for each other would've been great) and those of the tentacles' and the girls feelings/ reactions about it. I mean, this seems to be a rather new experience for Blackfire, and how Raven can keep up her concentration to create the tentacles while being fucked in her ass and pussy at the same time is beyond me.
I hope you're not offended by my nitpicking, as I critized mostly just some details. The story has its flaws but still is very hot and sexy. Keep it up!
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March 8, 2010 at 12:00 AM
They should gang up on Starfire or Jinx next.
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May 1, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This was great i love a bit of tentacle every now and than and this one was very well done just wish it had been longer.
With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae