Wrath and Love

Wrath and Love: Chapter Nineteen

Sluggishly, Todd tossed his robe over the edge of the couch before plopping down onto it himself, staring at the large, blank TV without any inclination to actually turn it on. He could hear the sounds of a late night, last minute dinner being thrown together in the kitchen, and he focused on them with a distant, but intent acuteness. It was the kind of focus that would had lent itself to autohypnosis, much like typing class he had taken in high school, had the subject been repetitive and long lasting enough, though it was neither of those things.

The process of slapping together two sandwiches had taken Pepito under five minutes, and then he was making his way into the living room to set the plates on the coffee table in front of the couch, two glasses of wine following behind him because he was too lazy to make a second trip.

“Wine?” Todd picked up the glass nearest his person, looking at it as though it had some explaining to do.

Pepito nodded as he took a seat to Todd's right. “I added some herbs for blood nourishment, and the alcohol will help you relax and fall asleep.” When Todd looked up at him, he leaned over to clink their glasses together before taking a drink of his own.

Shrugging, Todd took a slow sip himself, wrinkling his nose at the aftertaste that was no doubt provided by the herbs that Pepito had spoken of. Immediately, he reached for the sandwich. They finished the rest of the meal in near silence, and afterwards Todd did feel less weak and dizzy. Truthfully, it wasn't much worse than the aftermath of donating blood, though he knew that it easily could have been.

When Pepito stood up, gathering the plates with glasses stacked on top this time to take them back to the kitchen, he accidentally kicked the plastic bag that Marla had given him earlier, which must have fallen to the floor after he had carelessly dropped it onto the couch after getting back. With an irritated grunt, he used his unholy powers to lift the bag out of his way and onto the coffee table for the time being.

Todd pulled his legs up onto the couch as Pepito left the room again, using his disguarded robe as a makeshift blanket to cover himself as he stared at the bag. Suddenly he remembered the paper: the safety guide. He dug around in the pocket of his robe, finally pulling it out only to chuck it dramatically onto the table with the bag.

It was now the size of a paper football because after that same part of his brain that sometimes forced him to stare at car wrecks had made him read it, he had failed to locate a garbage can within reach. He had dared not attempt to stand on his own so soon, nor risk missing an attempted throw lest Marla find out. The best he could do was to make it as tiny as possible so that he could pretend that it was close to disappearing.

“Did you read that?” Pepito sat back down, angeling his body so he could partly face Todd. He rested his right foot on his left knee after receiving nothing but an indignant glare for his inquiry. “You really should.”

“Ugh. I did, okay? I thought you didn't want me to do it anymore.”

“I don't. But if you're going to do it, you might as well do it the right way. In fact, if you insist on doing it, I think that I should be present to make sure that you don't go too far. So, I'll be keeping that stuff locked up when I'm not here.”

“Why does it even matter? I belong to you now, right? So if I die I'll just go to Hell, and you can bring me back like Edgar.”

Pepito frowned, resting the right side of his temple in a hand. “Todd, dying isn't fun. I know, I've tried it. And if you're unhappy with life now, and if no one finds yours in time, having to adjust to a new body that will never fit exactly the way your birth one does isn't going to make that any better.”

“I don't want to die.” Todd buried his face in both hands, bowing his head to press it against raised knees. “I wasn't trying to die. I just...it just happened.”

“Things like that don't just happen, Amigo.”

“You know what I mean. I didn't mean to cut that deep...or that much. That part just happened.”

“I know,” Pepito scooted closer, “ and therein lies the problem. It's not an indulgence, it's a compulsion. You don't do it because you enjoy it; you do it to escape undesirable aspects of you life, and that's not good. Am I right?”

“I...guess so.”

“And that's all the more reason why you shouldn't do it alone. If you're going to do it at all, you need to learn control and discipline. I want you to promise me.”

“I don't want to lie to you, Pepi. I don't intend to do it again.” Todd looked down at his white, robed-covered lap.

“If you promise and mean it, it won't be a lie. That's part of our new...relationship.” He held up his hand, palm outward, to emphasize his meaning when Todd reluctantly met his gaze.

“You mean if I make a promise to you, I can't break it?”

“Exactly. But you don't really want to do it except in the heat of the moment, right? So this should be a good thing.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. Alright, I promise.”

“Promise that you won't do anything that you know might cause harm or impairing, lasting damage to yourself. Say it.”

“I promise that I won't do anything that I know might cause harm or impairing, lasting damage to myself. Happy?”

“Ecstatic.” The word was more than a little biting, but Pepito refused to feel sorry for it. There were very few people that he was willing to be patient with in this kind of ridiculous situation, and though Todd was one of them, it still irked the hell out of him. “Come on. You're sleeping with me tonight.” Offering a hand, he pulled Todd to his feet, snatching the plastic bag off the coffee table along the way. He didn't really need it seeing as how he already had his own toys for such things, but Todd didn't need it lying around the apartment either.

After letting himself be led into the bedroom, Todd broke away from Pepito, crawling onto the bed as he watched the other lock the medical supplies away in a large wooden chest.

“All you have to do, if you want it, is to tell me.” Pepito smirked when he turned back around to see Todd looking off to the side with an abashed blush tinting his cheeks. “And if you're interested, we could try out some hot wax. It would be much safer than knifes of any kind.”

“Umm. Okay. Right.” The words fell from Todd's lips in mumbled mush of sound, leaving him unsure if Pepito could even make them out. It didn't really matter because they weren't an assent, just an acknowledgment that he had heard him and a plea that they move on to another, less horrible subject.

“Of course, I still think that talking to me about what's really wrong would work the best.”

“Pepi, I...you...”

“Wouldn't understand, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But I'd try, Amigo. And I thought you said that talking helped anyway.”

“It does, usually. This time...I don't know. It might just reinforce what I already know.”

“And what's that?” Pepito took a seat a few feet from the edge of the bed, facing Todd dead on this time.

“There's not really a difference, is there? Between the people on your side and the people on Gods?” That wasn't the only issue, or maybe even the central issue, with his depression, but it had been an important one, especially today.

“Well, I like to think there is, at least in some ways.”

“But not the ways that matter. They all think that the universe somehow was created to serve them; that just being human entitles them to do whatever they want with other beings. For the Christians it's because they were created in the image of God and for the Satanists it's because they are gods...or simply because they have the power and might is right. But it all boils down to the same thing.”

“Todd, you know most people are idiots. I don't even think that's so much about religious affiliation in general. It goes back further than that. Although they've tried very hard to forget it, humans are animals too. Natural inclinations make them greedy survivalists. They do what they need to, or what they want to, and then justify and rationalize it after the fact. In the natural world, might is right, or the closest thing there is to a right. The very ability to rationalize is what gives human their advantage, but they're terrified to use it to the fullest because they're afraid they'll find out that it's an evolutionary accident. Just another experiment that might fail like so many others before it. Humans have always wanted to believe that they're special, and they are, if only by their own standards.”

Todd emitted a sound that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “But what if those standards are stupid?”

“Heh. They often are, Amigo. That's why there are too many people overcrowding this planet. But those of us who aren't idiots have an obligation to use our mental capacities to the fullest, to claim the power that allows us to make better decisions, both for ourselves and for those who can not.

“We're going to fix this, okay? All you need do now is to relax and trust me. There's no point in worrying about it now anyway, right? Especially to the point of making yourself sick.”

“Yeah, but, Pep, you believe it too. I mean, I know that you've done a lot for children's and animal rights, but you still don't see a problem with creating sentient beings and enslaving them right from the beginning. Didn't you tell me that was wrong on the boat, when we were talking about God? Or was that just empty rhetoric that you thought would appeal to my ever-bleeding heart?”

“It wasn't just rhetoric.”

“But it only applied to humans?”

“There's still not any conclusive evidence that what we've designed to look like intelligence and emotion is real. You know, because it can sense and interact with its environment, a thermostat system is technically somewhat self-aware.”

“You really think they're just advanced air conditioning units?” Todd could feel his eyes start to sting, blinking them hard a few times to ward off any moisture that might try to escape.

“I don't know yet, Amigo, and neither do you for certain. However, I'm not going back on our agreement either way.” He reached out to grip Todd's upper arm, giving it a hopefully reassuring squeeze.

“But you wouldn't really agree with it either, even if they were sentient, would you?”

“Does it matter? It doesn't effect the outcome.”

“It matters to me.”

“I don't know. I'm sorry. But it might help you to know that, amongst all the hate mail I've been getting about the recalls, I have gotten a few positive letters as well.”

“Really?”

“Yes. If you're good, I'll make copies of some for you at work tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Todd tried to smile, but it ended it a yawn instead.

Pepito laughed. “You ready for bed?”

“Yeah.”

After they were both under the covers, Pepito used his powers to turn the lights out. He lay there, looking up into darkness, but he couldn't help but feel that their talk was only a minor fix.“Todd, did that help you at all? A least a little?”

Todd fought the urge to groan when Pepito's voice pulled him back from the verge of sleep just when he was about to dose. “Yeah, it did. Thank you, Pepi.”

“Anytime, Amigo. I know this...all of it...is a difficult adjustment.” Receiving an acknowledging hum in response, Pepito draped an arm around Todd, smiling when he felt the other turn toward him and borrow closer into the embrace. His left arm curled around Todd's back as the loose right one allowed fingers to entwine in the other's hair, and he sighed happily. It was odd, but he had always loved sleeping, just sleeping like this, with Todd. It was never quite this intimate, and he never felt quite this at ease, with anyone else. Even when he had sex with others, it was nicest when he could make it home in time for this arrangement, before Todd was already asleep in his own room.

He chuckled under his breath. He had always kept up a half-pretense that he only did this for Todd, that he didn't actually need it himself. Well, perhaps he didn't need it, but there were times that he longed for it. It was physical prof that, despite the fear that had always lingered on Todd's part, and now the years of distance, silent regret and maybe even betrayal, they both still cared.

Tucking a bit of hair behind Todd's ear as his breathing evened out, Pepito leaned down a little to speak softly as he was pretty sure the other was already asleep. “I love you, Amigo.”


“I love you, Amigo.”

The words, whispered against his ear, left behind a tingling warmth that refused to bow before the laws of thermodynamics by fading. A similar sensation passed through the exposed skin of his right thigh when Pepito gripped it from behind to lift his leg off of the mattress so that only his foot touched, bracing it.

The hand left him again when Pepito leaned over to pick up a small scalpel, turning sideways for a moment amid the mountain of pillows that were propped up against the head board of his bed as well as the wall of his bedroom that meet it, to meet Todd's gaze. “Be careful.”

“I know.” Todd inhaled a lungful of air when the cold metal was slid into his hand, pausing to resituate himself into his previous position of sitting, using both Pepito and the corner of pillows to lean back against, after the other had returned to his own. He felt Pepito's right arm wrap itself around the midsection of his chest, his chin coming to rest atop Todd's right shoulder. His left hand took up residence on Todd's left knee as both legs were bent further so that the right one could be easily reached with the blade.

“Ready?” Pepito voice, like his own, was still a near whisper. The arm tightened around him slightly when he nodded, as if to hold him as still as possible. “Go slowly.”

Another nod, another deep breath in and out, and Todd raised the knife to his upper leg, tracing the intended cut with his eyes before applying pressure from the blade. When he did, it was more gradual and methodical than he had ever done it before. The pain bloomed like a scarlet flower, a feast for old gods those temples were now only populated by jungle, lighting his nerves on fire, spreading steadily throughout his body in ripples. A gasp escaped him as he finished the three inch long cut, pulling the scalpel back a moment to recover.

“Are you alright?” Pepito kissed his cheek, lips lingering after the fact as his fingers stroked Todd's other knee. His hand moved up to the lower thigh when Todd relaxed, letting his left leg slip just the tiniest bit toward the black comforter below as his head fell back to rest the side of his face in the crook of Pepito's neck.

“Um-hum.”

“How does it feel?”

“It feels...intense.” He had cut himself before, for a brief period in high school and then recently, but this wasn't like all the other times. This wasn't a distraction, it was an enhancement. And it wasn't just the blood or the pain, it was the intimacy. The intimacy was intoxicating.

Turning his head to face Todd, Pepito nuzzled the side of his face before moving down a little to place light kisses against his neck. “Is that good?”

Eyes closing as the heat in his body intensified, Todd nodded yet again, not quite sure which “that” he was agreeing to, but not really caring either. “Mmmm.” He both heard and felt Pepito chuckle against the moist skin of his neck as the hand on his stomach moved under the dark blue wife-beater that he was wearing. Warm fingers slid across his skin until the hand came to a stop over his heart.

After a few more minutes, Todd tilted his head back up, body becoming more rigid as he took the knife to his leg again. This time the pain was even better, and he hardly noticed when the blade went a few centimeters deeper until Pepito's hand left his chest to grip his wrist tightly, bringing the sensations to a halt.

“Cuidadoso, Amigo.” Pepito's voice was somehow firm and gentle at the same time, his hand moving up to find it's way on top of his own, pulling the blade back up before guiding it himself down a parallel path to the first cut at what Todd thought was an excruciatingly, exhilaratingly slow pace.

Relaxing once again now that he didn't have to focus completely on the task at hand himself, Todd let his eye lids fall to half mast, his left leg going more lax so that the hand that was still just above his knee went even further up. Pepito didn't seem to mind this as his thumb kept tracing small circles on peach skin, but not really moving in either direction. He bit his lower lip, trying not to moan at everything that was happening, but a small whimper escaped anyway.

By the time the cut was finished, its length matching the first one almost perfectly, Todd's breath was coming fast. The sering heat in his face told him that the fluid in his body had decided to paint it a familiar shade of pink, and his whole being seemed to throb with excitement. His leg fell down further, bringing Pepito's hand within inches of his tan boxer-briefs, and he wasn't sure if it was an accident this time.

Releasing his hold on Todd's hand, Pepito wrapped his arm around his chest again, pulling him into a small hug. “Todd, your pulse is racing.”

Todd giggled, feeling a little high on the endorphins that resulted from the mixture of pleasure and pain. “Racing what?”

“I don't know.” Pepito let out a small huff of a laugh as he leaned down to kiss Todd's cheek again. “Maybe mine. Do you wanna stop?”

“O-oh. No. Not...just yet.” Todd smiled a little through the worsening blush that had moved to his neck now too at those words, though he really hadn't needed them to know what was going on. They were sitting too close, pressed together, for him to miss the erection that was lightly pressing into his lower back, matching his own. “Pepi?”

“Humm?”

“D-do you wanna do it?”

“What?” He could see Pepito raising brow at him out of the corner of his eye.

Todd shook his head, suppressing a small laugh when he remembered what the preverbal “it” usually implied. “Would you like to make the last cut?” He knew that Pepito sometimes liked to “play” with his initiates in such ways.

Pepito looked down for a moment, seeming to count the few freckles on Todd's shoulder before he finally looked back up. “Do you want me to?”

“Do you want to?”

“Heh.” Pepito nudged the side of his face with his nose. “Only if you want me to.”

Todd smiled too at the beginning of what could have easily been a never ending roundabout of conversation, before remaining silent for a few moments, working up the courage to exit back onto the highway. “I...I want you to.”

“Okay.”

He swallowed thickly when Pepito took his hand back, kissing the back of it before taking the scalpel into his own. Looking straight ahead, he tried to breathe evenly as the blade was wiped with a sanitary wipe before coming to hover over his leg once again. The hand on his left leg gripped him tightly for a few seconds, then loosened as the sharp steel stank into the first few layers of skin. His own hand, now free, moved to the side to grasp one of Pepito's thighs, which he was currently sitting between.

The blade started to move, just as slowly as the last time, and he tasted blood: his own. He had apparently bitten his lip too hard, but he was reluctant to release it, choosing instead to suck in the salty taste to busy his mouth from the noises that it would surely otherwise be preoccupied with.

Pepito's breathing grew heavy in his ear, but the knife stayed its course, proving that Pepito had either more of an aptitude for concentration under such conditions than himself or more experience. Probably both. Todd himself was struggling, trying hard not to go completely lax or writhe uncontrollably in the wake of the other's ministrations. His leg moved again, down and to the left a bit, and it was definitely on purpose.

The hand on his leg now played with the hem of his underwear, tracing the crease between his thigh and the bulge in his crotch, and Todd was forced to take in a deep inhalation that came out as a groan.

“Fuck, Todd.” Pepito's husky tone just made the need worse, but the fingers were barely touching him, running up and down his length in the same teasing manner as the blade was running down his leg, leaving a desperate, antagonizing bliss that was never truly fulfilled.

“Pepi...” His voice was pleading and he felt close to crying now, not from pain, but from prolonged desire.

“Shh. Don't worry, Todd. It's finished now.” The blade left his leg again, this time discarded in a cup of alcohol on the night stand, and then Pepito was hugging him to his chest again, though his other hand was still busy elsewhere. “You're all mine. For always.”

“Huh?” Todd looked back down at the three cuts on his leg, finding them now to be three sixes that matched the birthmark on Pepito's hand. They radiated out from the center, where all three curved tails meet, like a primitive abstraction of a red clover. “How did-”

Pepito shifted both of their bodies so that they were at an angle. Todd was once again half leaning against Pepito, half pressed into the pillows against the wall. “It's magic, Amigo,” Pepito whispered, “Just good, old fashioned black magic.” Then he was kissing him again-his neck, his cheek and finally his bloody lips-and Todd found it difficult to care.

The left hand rubbed against him with more pressure as the right slunk back under his shirt, and Todd allowed it...more than allowed it. He thought that if he had to he would have begged. As the kisses deepened, his lost himself in the embraces, in the increasing passionate friction, almost missing the small change when Pepito's fingernails against his stomach became sharp claws that scraped at his skin. Demonic form...that was-

Before he could finish the thought, he found himself moaning into Pepito's mouth as the other's hand finally found its way into his boxers. It was hotter, so much hotter than before, and the claws rubbed ever so lightly against him, not quite enough to actually hurt in this heightened state of arousal, though it would probably sting later. When the kiss finally broke, he clung to Pepito's shoulder as best he could in that position, panting as Pepito sucked and bit his neck. It was too much when the claws on his stomach dug into his flesh, plunging the fiery heat inside him as they moved across his abdomen. “Pepito...I-Oh, God!”

“Oh, God!” Todd sat bolt-upright in bed, his breathing coming in and out in desperate, ragged gulps. It took him a few moments to take in his surroundings, to realize that he was in Pepito Diablo's king-sized bed, alone. The early morning sun peeked at him through the drapes, and the sound of running water told him that Pepito was currently in the shower.

“A dream. It was just a dream. A really messed up dream.” He let out a relieved sigh, attempting to calm himself. Throwing the thick comforter aside, he noticed that said dream had left him covered in a thin layer of sweat...along with some other bodily fluids...which had also disgraced the bedding with a disturbingly high quantity. “Oh, shit.”

Nothing like this had happened to him for a long, long time. The few times that it had, when he had first started puberty, had been enough to insure that he took care of his sexual needs as often as he had to in order to avoid potentially messy situations...and just plain messes. He sighed again. Lately he'd been too depressed to function properly in that department, and he should have known better than to sleep with anyone else under such circumstances. Still, that didn't explain the weirdness of the dream...even aside from the fact that it had been a wet dream about the Antichrist!

He fought against what was probably the beginnings of a small panic attack before forcing himself out of bed. There was no time to lie around feeling mortified! Who knew how long Pepito had already been in the shower! Quickly, Todd gathered all of the blankets together, making a mad dash for his own bedroom, where he hid them in the very back of his closet. He could wash them later when he was alone. “Okay. Just think. What's next?”

He paced around his room several times before catching a glance of himself in the mirror beside his closed door. “Oh, pants! New pants!” Making fast work of the soiled night clothes, he stuffed them in with the blankets before pulling on a similar set. It was a light blue instead of gray, but it would have to do. Next he darted back into the hall to select another, hopefully similar, bedding set. He was in luck because Pepito seemed to have a lot of the same reds, blacks and purples, though the patterns were different.

In the frenzied state, it took him only two and a half minutes to dress the bed in another purple set, according to the clock on Pepito's night stand, and then he was back in it, pretending that he had yet to wake, just as the water stopped running. By the time the door reopened, his breathing had almost calmed.

“Wake up, Amigo!”

“Huh?” Todd peeked out from the covers, blinking his eyes a few extra times for effect. “What time is it?”

“It's almost 8:30AM. I'm leaving for work soon, so you'd better get a shower while you can.”

“While I can?” He didn't have to fake the early morning confusion at the statement.

“Oh. Yes, well, I've decided that you'll be spending today with Roman and Minnie until I return from work.”

“What? Pepito, I don't need babysitters. And I thought-”

“I know, I know. I made you promise not to harm yourself, but I know very well that most contracts, and especially verbal agreements, have loopholes.”

“But, Pepi, I-”

“Todd.” Pepito turned around to face him, his suit for that day hanging over a bathrobe-enveloped arm. His brow furrowed as his eyes moved over his friend and the bed. He sensed something out of place, but didn't know what. “Look, don't be upset. It's only for today. Unless you want to accompany me to work, but I assure you it will be long and quite boring.”

Todd nearly cringed at when Pepito's eyes roamed over the new comforter, but apparently it had been easily dismissed. He really shouldn't have been so worried. Even if Pepito had found out about his little accident, it probably would have only resulted in a hearty laugh...and maybe another lecture about indulgence being a virtue. But right now he wanted the opposite of indulgence. He wanted repression. He wanted to purge that dream from his memory, he wanted to never think about it again, he wanted...to not be watching the subject of that dream get dressed at the moment.

“Gah!” Curling up under the covers yet again, Todd held his burning face in both hands. What was wrong with him?

Pepito rolled his eyes as he pulled on his jacket and stepped into his shoes, then made his way over to the bed to pull the covers from Todd's form in a dramatic flourish. “You're very strange, Amigo.” He smiled at the incredulous look he received. “Minnie and Roman like you a lot, you know.”

“Pep, don't talk to me like I'm still eight, okay?. I...I'm just tried, you know. Blood loss and all.”

“The best treatment for that now is eating something. And I'm sure Minne and Roman will let you sleep there if you need to. Just wear something comfortable.”

“Did you tell them?”

Pepito frowned down at his friend, who was still lying in bed, but now had both arms crossed over his chest. “I had to. I can't watch you every second of the day. But they won't tell anyone else.”

“Great.”

“Amigo-”

“I know.” Todd heaved himself into a sitting position. “I'm not mad...just embarrassed, I guess.”

“Good. Then maybe you won't do it again.”

“Oh, discouragement through shaming. I didn't think Satanists did that.”

“Think again, Amigo. Besides, I was raised by a Catholic. Sometimes those things rub off. And if you really wanted it, you wouldn't need to be ashamed, would you?”

“I guess not.”

“See. There's a good boy.” Pepito smiled, ruffling Todd's already messy morning hair. “Now go shower.”

“Pepito.” Todd gave him a flat look. “I'm not calling you Daddy.”

“What? Why would you-”

“Because you're a patronizing motherfucker, that's why.”

Pepito stared at him in shock for a good half-minute before finally breaking into another smile. “Ha. Oh, that wasn't very nice, now was it? But I think I like it.”

“Whatever.” Todd stood up, pushing Pepito back a few feet so that he could leave the room for the bathroom.

“I was kidding, Todd. Ha. Just kidding!”