Wrath and Love

Wrath and Love: Chapter Twenty


Finishing another chapter of the book that he was reading, Todd lay it print-down on his chest, not bothering to close it because his bookmark had somehow disappeared and he didn't want to fold the pages. He would probably resume reading in a few moments anyway. This was what he had been doing for most of the day. After listening to some of Roman's seemingly unending travel stories and to Minnie and Roman both go on and on about their past and Pepito's childhood, he had asked to be excused to the guest room, claiming to be tied and letting them assume that it was because of his “accident” that Pepito had told them about earlier that morning.

He had actually managed to nap for a few hours before his mind had decided that it had rested enough for a while. Luckily, the Castevet's apartment was over-stocked with books to help keep his thoughts off of the disturbing events of that morning for as much as an hour or so at a time. Still, it kept coming back, breaking free momentarily from the mental closet that he had tried his best to lock it in, like now.

Todd sighed, mildly irritated with himself. He shouldn't be letting the dream get to him so much, especially when he knew-knew that it was simply a product of the ruff psychological terrain that he had been consistently tripping all over as of late. First there had been the beating. No.

“The rape,” he forced himself not just to think the proper word, but to say it out loud for once, and was somehow surprised to feel his mouth involuntarily cringe as the words formed. Still, he pushed the train of thought further.

The rape had left him feeling weak and largely helpless. Pepito had been one of the few people that he had ever been able to depend on when he felt that way. It had also left him with little to no desire for physical pleasure, though he suspected that his body was still going about its usual business of producing and...secreting certain things. Then there had been the move to New York and the transaction that had sealed his soul to Pepito's, both of which had made him feel isolated and insecure in very basic ways that seemed to run even deeper than the previous one, even if it was much less traumatic. Now his fate, his entire being, seemed to depend on Pepito wanting him in one way or another.

There had also been that horrible “safety” sheet and the awkward talk that they had shared before bedtime. There had been blood loss, which had made his mind more slippery and open to suggestion. And the wine with the herbs...though he was probably reaching with that one. In any event, it was perfectly natural, though still highly disturbing, that his dreams had played out the way they had. It was simply a twisted reflection of the events of his life, which had turned sexual solely by coincidence because of his lack of necessary...secretions.

Even if that wasn't the case, sex dreams were often symbolic of other issues that weren't sexual in any way. After all, that dream had been about him literally lying there in a charmed, near ecstatic state while the Antichrist craved his sign into his soul. That had to be symbolic. It was definitely related to the complacent way that he had let all of this progress so easily. It was repressed guilt, and now he wanted to just keep repressing the repercussions until he had no choice but to get the negativity out in any way that he could, even if that way involved a running trail of crimson.

Pulling his legs up into the old-fashioned chair that he had been leaning back in and resting his head in both hands, he allowed himself a few tears and the book to fall to the carpet. He knew that what he was doing to himself wasn't good, but had no idea how to make it better at this point. It was too late to redeem his soul, of course, and maybe that was tragic, but there had to be something- something better than this at least! None of the coven members seemed to be plagued by constant depression...although-

There was a sudden knock on the door, then Minnie stuck her head in. “There's someone here to see you, dear.”

He whipped his head up, drying his eyes as quickly as he could along the way. “O-oh. Who is it?”

“Why, it's only Marla. No need to get so worked up.” She smiled awkwardly at her own words.

“I'm not...worked up.” He bent over to pick the book up, taking the opportunity to wipe any missed moisture from his cheeks before following her from the room, through the hall and into the living room as calmly as possible. When they came in, Marla stood from the sofa with a subtle smile that didn't help the relaxed state that he was trying to maintain at all, and he really hoped that she wasn't there to scream at him again...or to check that he had read that pamphlet. “Hi, Marla.”

“Hello, Todd. I was thinking...we should talk. Come on a walk with me.”

“Uh, I'm not sure that I can.” Todd looked around the overfilled room at both of the elderly people, embarrassed that he needed their permission to leave, but also secretly hoping that they would say he couldn't.

“Oh, go on!,” Roman prompted, “No sense keeping yourself couped up all day. Go out and get yourself some air. It'll be good for you.”

“ Yes, dear, you go on and have yourself some fun. Just make sure you come back here when you're done, you here? Adrian's going to be back around dinner so you two can catch that show, remember? And you don't want to miss it again.”

“Yeah. I remember.” Todd forced a smile. He knew they were trying to be nice, trying not to say that he couldn't be out of anyone's sight for too long. He nodded toward Marla with a shrug. “I guess I'm yours.”

“Hnh. Actually, you're Pepito's, but I'll borrow you for a while.” She latched her arm around his, leading them from the apartment.

They walked through the building in a near silence that made Todd even more paranoid than before, though Marla wasn't glaring at him like she had for the last few weeks. That was probably a good sign, and they were headed for the park, so the chances of her yelling at him were most likely minimal as long as he watched what he said. “It's, uh, a nice day, isn't it?” he began as they made it across the cross walk and onto a walking path that led through Central Park.

“Sure. Look, Todd, I really wanted to apologize to you, so I'm just going to say it. I've been a complete bitch to you, and you don't deserve it. I'm sorry.”

“Oh. I, uh, you haven't been-”

“Yes, I have.” She sent him a stern look, daring him to argue.

“Well, okay, I guess you have been a little. Thank you...for the apology.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Is there...maybe a reason for that? I mean, not that you have to tell me or anything.”

“No, I suppose after all I've made you go through you've earned it. I've...I've just been having some family problems is all. We were never what you'd call close, and I guess...I'm just getting tried of putting myself out there for them again and again when I've known since I was ten that they'll never care about being a real family.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. It's not your fault or your problem, aside from the fact that I've been so irritable about the latest fight lately, of course.” She smiled.

“Heh. Yeah. But I kind of know what that's like. My parents...well, they've always been pretty...apathetic about my existence.”

Marla gave him a long, contemplative look, then nodded. “Thanks.”

“So, you really weren't mad at me?”

She shook her head. “It was just transference. I was mad at my father, but I couldn't stick him with needles, unfortunately.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you want to hear about it? Really?”

“Sure. I mean, it would help me take my mind off of my own problems,” he amended quickly. He had found out through trial and error that Marla was the kind of person who mistrusted anything that purported itself to be genuine altruism. It was a trait shared by many Satanists that steamed from the belief that every action, at its core, had in truth a selfish basis. Of course, Pepito claimed to believe that as well, though he had often seemed to say one thing and do another when it came to some Satanic principles, and though the hypocrisy was annoying at times, Todd would always be thankful for that.

Marla shrugged. “Alright. Stop me if it starts getting too whiny.”

“Okay.”

“So, my dad has this really important...job, right? That's what the fight was over, what it's always been over. He's always worked really hard to get to the top and then to stay there. Because of that he never really had much time for family...now he hardly has time for anything else at all. He literally lives at his office.”

“Oh. Uh, what about your mom?”

“Never had one. Well, not a proper one anyway. I never met her. I guess you could say she was basically a genetic donor. My brother and I were alone a lot as children, but he inherited dad's obsessive streak, except he was more obsessed with...well, unaccepted branches of science, I guess. So he and dad started to fight a lot, and I just kind of drifted on my own in a sea of morons and video games...until I found this.”

“This? As in-”

“Satanism. Yeah. Then I thought...maybe I could make my own family. Or at least join a group of people who are honest about the way things are instead of always pretending like my dad.” She laughed bluntly. “At least most of them aren't idiots. Except Karl and Laura Loise.”

“Ah. So, I, uh, guess that's worked out okay for you so far?”

“Yes. Okay...I suppose it has.” Her words came out forced, almost mechanically.

Todd stiffened. It sounded like a lie, and almost nothing that Marla said ever sounded like a lie, even when he knew it was one. “Umm...see, this is the part where I start thinking that you're angry with me.”

“I'm not angry with you, Todd.”

“You sound angry.” He flinched when she turned to him, her lips a perfect line of frown. “Sorry.”

“Alright, I'll be honest. I am angry, but it's not at you. It's a mixture of the fight with my dad and my disappointments with certain things...”

He raised at eyebrow at the vague run off. “Certain things? Like me living with Pepito?”

“Not exactly. I told you. Whatever relationship you two have or don't have outside of religion is none of my business. And I don't even care that you're suddenly a coven member when that honor took me a decade to achieve. I only care that the principles that I thought we used to stand for have gone to shit in the last year and a half.”

Todd bit his lip, deciding that telling her that he didn't really care at all about being a coven member might not be the best idea. And asking her age based on the decade of pledging comment couldn't be good either, though he was pretty sure she was somewhere in her mid to late twenties, which meant that she had to have joined the first level pretty early.

“Is it whining yet? It's whining, isn't it?”

“Heh. No. It's actually pretty interesting...and relieving.” He gave her his best friendly smile. It was truthfully surprising, in a good way, that she was displeased with at least some of the changes that had taken place during the year after the President's near assassination. Before he had been under the impression that those changes had been what the Satanic organizations had been pulling for the entire time. Still, he knew that it wasn't just Pepito making those bad decisions. The New York Coven shared a lot of the blame. Maybe the difference was just that Marla was from one the other covens originally, or maybe he was misinterpreting what she was saying just because of how much he wanted even the smallest break down in the uniformity of evil.

Marla rolled her eyes, but smiled back all the same. “You seriously thought I had it out for you?”

“Well...maybe. Sorry. You can be pretty scary.”

“Thanks.”

“O-oh. Okay.” Sure. He could pretend that was a compliment if she wanted to take it that way.

“Oh, I almost forgot. You've got an appointment with me for blood work next week.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. Pepito wants to make sure you don't have some kind of chemical imbalance.”

“Oh.”

“Don't look so worried.” She elbowed him gently in the ribs. “We won't need very much. It's just to be on the safe side.”

“Alright.”

“So, did you read over that safety manual?”

Gah! He should have known that was coming! “I...would rather not talk about that if it's all the same to you.”

“No.”

“What?”

“No. It's not all the same. I'm your doctor, and I'm asking you about your physical well being.”

“...Yes. I read it. I...uh...I'll be more...careful if it happens again. Thanks.”

She smirked at his uneasy continence. “Good. That's all that I ask.”