The Joke's On Batman

Chapter 4

Storytime

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The Joker sat on the floor and opened his arms. "Now come to Uncle Joker and tell me all about yourself. Come on."

Batman forced himself forward. Every nerve in his body was screaming for mercy, screaming for escape, but he knew. He knew it was hopeless. This was his last day on earth. One chance too many. He dropped to his knees and clenched his jaw, looking away.

The Joker gleefully threw his arms around the man and forced Batman to sit down. He poked Batman on the nose. "Now tell me, Batsy - I can still call you that, can't I? We've had so many fond times together, I just don't want to give up my arch nemesis. Tell me: Why be such a hardass all the time? Is it too much to be able to relax? Is that not part of your job description? Why the constipated look? Why can't you have some fun once in a while!"

Death, Batman reminded himself. "I don't know how. Maybe you can show me."

"Can I?" The Joker laughed. "Can I ever! You just wait, Batsy! You'll have so much fun you'll never want to leave!" He rubbed his hands together. "Of course you can't, now that I've welded the door shut, but that's hardly the point. You won't want to leave anyway! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Batman winced. "What kind of fun?"

"Oh, only the very best kind!" The Joker looked at him with wide eyes. "Tell me, Batsy, when's the last time you had sex?"

"I don't think that's any of your business, Joker."

"That long?"

Batman gritted his teeth.

"Hoo boy! You're a ticking time bomb! No wonder you're always making amorous advances!"

"Only a sick bastard would assume the things I do to you could be considered 'amorous advances'."

The Joker put a hand to his forehead. "I'm the sickest!" He batted his eyelashes. "Whatcha gonna do, Batsy? Cure me?" He puckered up.

Batman growled.

"C'mon! If I'm such a frog, why don't you turn me into a prince? Isn't that how the story goes?"

"I don't care how the story goes. Nothing could compel me to -" He stopped at the look of fury on The Joker's face.

The Joker tackled him, kicking and punching. They rolled around on the floor, wrestling with each other. Even though his heart was beating in his throat, Batman still couldn't bring himself to snap The Joker's neck and be done with it. He couldn't escape that way. He couldn't cause someone else's death willfully. It wasn't in him.

The Joker rammed his knuckles into Batman's face and finally managed to knee him in the groin. Batman fell back, hitting his head on the floor, The Joker triumphantly sitting on top of him.

The clown stroked his face. "Awww. Let me kiss it all better." He nuzzled the welt his knuckles left and kissed it in a mockery of delicate motherliness. He drew back, grinning, and cracked his knuckles. "You see, Batman, everyone behaves eventually. Sometimes it just takes... a little extra force." He shrugged.

That made something snap inside of Batman. In a flash, he grabbed The Joker by the throat and jumped to his feet, blind with rage. "You bastard! What did you do to Robin! What! How could you touch that child? What is the matter with you? There is no joke to substantiate that kind of behavior! You're not a comedian! You're a sick bastard full of meager excuses to kill! I should rip your head off right now!"

"H-Hey," The Joker choked. "Everyone has a different opinion."

Batman tightened his grip. The Joker gagged. "C'mon, Batsy, I thought we were having fun."

"FUN?" He released his hold on the clown.

The Joker dropped to the floor and stayed there, gasping. Sweat beaded up on his forehead.

Batman held himself back with every grain of morality he had from kicking The Joker while he lay on the floor. "Stop, Joker. Stop this now. I don't want to kill you."

"Who said I wanted to kill you?" The Joker asked, wheezing. "All those near death attempts were all in good fun! I never intended to cause you harm you wouldn't recover from. If I'd wanted to do that, you would've died a long time ago."

Batman stilled.

"It's true, Batman," The Joker said, picking himself up and wiping the sweat from his forehead. "I've been holding back. Aren't you grateful? You're special to me."

"Get away from me. Let me leave this place."

The Joker smirked. "I'm afraid I can't have that, Batman. You see, I've decided the cat and mouse game is over. It's getting old. I want my treat now for finishing the maze."

Talk of this again, Batman realized. He wants to...

He backed up in spite of himself. "Joker, what are you saying?"

The Joker stepped forward, tracing a finger down his chest. "You know, Bat Boy..."

"No."

The Joker stared at him. "No? We're in my room. These are my rules. You can't say no." He gestured around them. "I have us under lock and key. I have all my clever little gadgets. I'm quite prepared. You'll just have to do what I say, Batman. If you live through our little fun, I might let you go. But for now? You're mine. This is what I've been waiting for all this time. You don't get to deny me any more."

Batman looked at all of The Joker's fatal little toys lying scattered on the floor. Survival, or death? he asked himself.

He swallowed. I choose life. I can always recover later. Therapy, if that's what I need. For now, I need to escape. And that means...cooperation.

"I'll do as you say," he finally said. His throat was tight.

The Joker rubbed his hands together and giggled. "I'm glad to hear you say that. I'd hate to have to kill you before we're even through."