Desiderata

A/N: This representation of Aradia is dedicated to my moirail, who has 0_0 me into compliance more than once herself.

I apologize in advance for the weird formatting of pesterlogs. Please let me know if they are unreadable or confusing and I'll try something else.

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For most of the night, Sollux traveled, stopping only once to change out his possessions at his hive stem before moving on, chasing the moon across the sky. The bright light of dawn had started to catch up to him by the time he finally landed outside Aradia's hive. Through either good timing or serendipity, she was waiting when he arrived and wasted no time hurrying him inside and into a shower to help physically thaw and relax him. Afterwards, she combed her claws through his damp hair until the inner ice started to melt as well. It started with small shudders which gave way to hiccupping keens, then heaving sobs, and finally the mourning wail of pain that had gone too deep. Sollux cried into her lap until the force of his emotions threatened to tear him apart. Only then did Aradia start shooshing him back down. Once calmed to a slightly less hysterical state, she forced him to drink a cup of some tea she'd made heavily laced with honey before shooing him into the recuprecoon ahead of her. Between his own exhaustion, the sopor, and whatever herbal concoction she'd poured down his throat, Sollux started drifting off within minutes. He tried to say something, to explain before passing out, but all Aradia did was press a finger to his lips and a kiss to his forehead, saying, "Tomorrow's soon enough."

Even tomorrow was going to be too soon. Sollux simply curled his moirail closer, glad for the steadying weight, and let himself sleep without ever saying a word.

It was actually three tomorrows before they had their talk. The first night, Sollux mostly slept. That worked out to both their benefits, since his unplanned arrival left Aradia with no time to readjust her own schedule. The extra rest helped the emotional wounds scab a bit more while keeping him appropriately occupied despite being alone. The second night, she pulled his ass out of the slime, coerced him into eating, and dragged him around with her as she took care of various chores around her hive and property, talking happily all the while about her life since the last time they'd spoken. On the third night, watching the stars from the hill behind her hive that mimicked the one that had been there on Alternia, she gently poked him into speaking.

After a couple false starts, he told her. The chance meeting on the street. The sudden disappearance from online. The willful use of his Vision. The fear of actually seeing the other passed out on the floor. The anger, cold against the thought of rape, yet hot when it turned out the other just wasn't taking care of himself. How sick he felt listening to Karkat scream through the pain and the fractures between them that had gone deeper and deeper each time until there was nothing except empty space. He meant to stop before admitting he'd been dumb enough to push even further after all that, but he couldn't curb his mouth. It felt too good to purge everything he'd kept locked out in order to do what needed to be done, even though it left him feeling raw and exhausted afterwards. There was no moon that night, so it was impossible to tell how long it took for words to start failing him. Aradia sat quietly through the whole thing, slowly carding her fingers through his hair as he talked and continued on for a while afterward when there were only the normal sounds of night around them.

"Are you ready to listen?" she finally asked when he'd evened out again. Sollux nodded quietly and felt her hands pull away only to then pull him close for a fierce hug. "I'm proud of you," she said softly, "and you did the right thing. No matter what else happens, I want you to remember that." Another flux of too-strong emotion made him hold back just as tightly. When he nodded because he didn't trust his voice, Aradia pulled back, holding him out at arm's length in her no-nonsense, serious business, do-I-have-your-attention gesture. "You're flushed for him. No," she admonished when he groaned. "You said you'd listen. You're flushed for him, Sollux, and frankly I'd be more surprised if you weren't after everything."

"I know I'm flushed for the idiot, AA. That's the problem." He sighed as he rubbed his temples. "I don't want to be flushed for him. I don't want to go through this shit again, especially not when I've managed to fuck over a relationship I'm not even technically in yet. Let's face it; I'm the universe's worst matesprit and it's better if I just let that quadrant rot."

"You didn't fuck anything up," Aradia responded sternly. "Not yet, at least. You will have if you don't go back and try to do something about this, though." She titled his face back up so that they were looking at each other again. "I'm not saying this is going to be easy, or even all that pleasant the first few times. And there is the chance it won't get better. But your friendship with Karkat is one of the things that lived on when the game ended. Doesn't that alone make it worthwhile enough to fight for?"

"And that's why I know it's not going to work. He'll just laugh in my face when I say I'm red for him."

"He's already put his trust in you by letting you take care of him while he'd been sick. He's trusted you with the life of his moirail, who is otherwise completely defenseless. You're the first person he's ever been sexually associative with. How much more trust does he need to display before you feel you can trust him back?" She cupped his cheek gently. "Sollux, please, I know it's frightening. I don't blame you in the least for being scared; your heart's taken a lot of damage. If there's anyone out there who's taken as much of a beating as you have, though, it's Karkat. I think he's just as scared and confused as you are, only he doesn't have anyone else to fall back on, to tell him that what he's feeling is okay or help him sort it all out. And I don't want you to miss out on a chance for happiness just because you're afraid. We've gone through too much to let fear be the only reason we don't try." She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Give it time. Give yourself time. And then just try."

Sollux stayed for two more nights afterwards. Then Aradia lovingly kicked him out of her hive, saying he'd procrastinated long enough. He returned to his hive stem after making the usual assortment of promises (yes, he'd contact her when he got there; yes, he'd eat something better than instant noodles and cereal; yes, he had his checklist and yes, he'd accomplish at least one thing on it every day until she said otherwise). But where coming back to his own space had always felt comforting in the past, he now looked around his sparse flat and wondered why it suddenly felt empty. And dirty. He wasn't the neatest of trolls, and considering that was an oxymoronic statement anyway really said something, but he had developed a limit to the amount of mess he could stand.

He sighed and tacked the list of chores his moirail had given him where he'd be most likely to see it regularly. And look at that, taking out the garbage was one of the things he had to accomplish. He just had to collect it first… With a half-hearted groan, Sollux grabbed a trash bag and began the process of saving his living space from the encroachment of the can empire, which had apparently annexed quite a bit of territory recently. About halfway through his task, he realized how he was thinking and smacked himself. This was why spending an extended amount of time with Aradia was a bad idea—her overactive imagination was infectious. The thought alone eased some of the tension inside him. Sollux felt absolutely disgusting by the time he finished, but the apartment looked better and he felt somewhat better for it as well. He smiled a bit as he crossed that off his list, wondering if he should tell her about the whole thing and surprise her, or say nothing and deny her the feeling of victory for getting into his head.

***

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] is online-

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle-

AA: karkat i need to speak with you

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] has changed status to busy-

AA: if you really wanted me to believe that you shouldnt have changed your status

AA: this wont take long even if you are busy

AA: please its about sollux

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] is active-

CG: AND WHAT HAS THE AMAZING WONDER-TWIN MANAGED TO HILARIOUSLY TURN HIMSELF INTO THIS TIME?

CG: THE FORM OF SENTIENT SLIME MOLD THAT'S UNDOUBTEDLY NOW COVERING HIS ROTTING CARCASS BECAUSE HE HASN'T BOTHERED MOVING IN THE LAST WEEK?

AA: O_O

CG: JUST GOOGLE IT. OR ASK DAVE. I'M NOT EXPLAINING.

CG: IN FACT, LET'S JUST START OVER. WHAT'S WRONG WITH SOLLUX AND WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE ENOUGH TO DO ANTYHING ABOUT IT?

AA: you know that he and i are bound in moirallegiance correct?

CG: UH, YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT?

AA: as such i am very concerned for him right now

AA: he has fallen into quite the depressive fit recently for reasons he refuses to disclose

AA: obviously those reasons are quite important to him and i respect them

AA: but i am worried that if he does not talk to someone sooner than later he will allow this to eat him up from the inside out

CG: WHOA. WAIT. TIME-OUT. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO?

CG: BECAUSE I'VE GOT A MOIRAIL ALREADY WHO'S MORE THAN A HANDFUL WITHOUT TRYING TO SHOOSH-PAP DOWN ANOTHER BULGE-LICKER.

CG: WHICH, COINCIDENTLY, WOULD BE YOUR JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AA: O_O

AA: i would never ask you to neglect your palemate

AA: nor subject mine to the advances of one so easily swayed to infidelity

AA: O_O

AA: what i am asking is that you simply be receptive to him

AA: if he reaches out to you talk to him!

AA: the subject itself doesnt matter so long as he interacts with someone

CG: AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL TRY TO TALK TO ME?

CG: ALL WE USUALLY DO IS FIGHT.

AA: that is exactly why he will come to you

AA: you make him feel even when he might not think he wants to

AA: and any emotion is better than apathy

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW.

AA: O_O

CG: SORRY. THAT CAME OUT WRONG.

AA: O_O

CG: WHAT?

AA: O_O

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FALLEN ALTERNIA, WHAT?

AA: O_O

AA: you have yet to answer my question

CG: YES! YES, I'LL TALK TO HIS BONEY, BIFURCATED ASS IF HE SO DEIGNS TO GET OFF IT LONG ENOUGH TO CONTACT ME THROUGH SOME MEANINGFUL FORM OF COMMUNICATION. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? OR DO YOU NEED THE LOGS TO PROVE IT, TOO, BECAUSE THAT MIGHT BE A BIT DIFFICULT IF ALL OUR INTERACTIONS OCCUR VIA SMOKE SIGNAL. BUT I CAN BE A PRETTY RESOURCEFUL GUY.

AA: you have nothing to prove to me

CG: LIKE HELL I DON'T, BUT I'M SO GLAD WE'VE REACHED AN UNDERSTANDING.

CG: NOW WILL YOU PLEASE QUIT STARING AT ME LIKE THAT? IT'S CREEPING ME RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

AA: what like this?

AA: O_O

CG: YES!

AA: sorry

AA: thank you for your time karkat

-apocalypseArisen[AA] has disconnected-

CG: SON OF A MOTHERFUCK.

***

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling twinArmageddons [TA]-

CG: HEY NOOKWHIFF. ARE YOU STILL ALIVE OVER THERE?

CG: OR HAS ALL THE ELECTRICAL RADIATION FINALLY MUTATED YOUR THINK-PAN INTO AN AMORPHOUS SENTIENCE ALL ITS OWN THAT'S OUTGROWN THE SPACE BEHIND YOUR CRANIAL PLATES AND OOZED OUT YOUR AURAL SPONGE, LOOKING FOR A NEW PLACE TO CALL HOME?

-twinArmageddons [TA] is idle-

Sollux sighed, staring at the scroll of gray text before him. Since he'd returned from Aradia's hive a week ago, he'd been trying to get his courage up enough to contact Karkat. The results ended with him logging in to Trollian and not doing much else. He deluded himself into thinking that the other had blocked him when he was not immediately pinged for being absent while he'd been with his moirail. Apparently that had not been the case—Karkat had just been slow in noticing his return. There was only one reason he'd be contacted now and with such vehemence. Sollux knew Karkat's two most precious secrets—where he lived and who he lived with. Of course the other troll would want some sort of security against that, even though the thought of using said info to harm the red blood made him nauseous.

CG: SOLLUX, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT SOME SORT OF COMPUTING DEVICE IN YOUR HAND, SO QUIT BEING A DOUCHEWHISTLE AND ANSWER ME.

-twinArmageddons [TA] is idle-

But instead of owning up to the inevitable and giving that needed assurance of safety, Sollux had spent the last three days ignoring the angry little chime that proclaimed he had a new message.

CG: I SWEAR TO TAINTCHAFFING FUCK, IF YOU ARE IGNORING ME FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN IMMINENT DANGER OR DEATH, I'LL GLADLY PUT YOU IN BOTH.

-twinArmageddons [TA] is idle-

The problem that had stopped him from trolling the other in the first place kept his fingers on his keyboard now: he didn't know what to say. Or rather, there was too much to say. Each time he tried to express any one thought, it was cut off and became tangled with another and then another until it was all such an incoherent mess in his mind that he ended up thinking about nothing at all. He was literally frozen with indecision and half sick with the knowledge that this could be their last conversation. Granted, things couldn't really end any worse than they had when he'd been kicked out of his friend's hive, but even this one-sided argument was better than being completely erased. Considering the level of insults being hurled at him, it probably didn't matter what he said at this point in time. He was going to get read the riot act regardless.

CG: DAMN IT, SOLLUX, PLEASE?

CG: I KNOW THINGS ARE REALLY FUCKED UP BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW AND THAT I'M PROBABLY THE LAST TROLL YOU'LL EVER WANT TO TALK TO AGAIN, BUT EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO TELL ME TO FUCK OFF, RESPOND.

CG: I'M LITERALLY BEGGING HERE.

CG: PLEASE SAY SOMETHING.

Insults, Sollux could handle. He'd never been very good about ignoring Karkat when he started begging, though. There was something about the tone of the text that always left the impression the other was half a step away from crying. And the influx of self-hate that came next wasn't anything he was prepared to deal with either. He took a deep breath and held it as he typed, still hesitating before finally slapping himself mentally and hitting the enter key with his eyes closed. All conversations had to start somewhere.

TA: hey kk

The immediate chime back seemed even angrier than normal.

CG: ABOUT FUCKING TIME, ASSHOLE.

CG: ARE YOU ACTUALLY ALL RIGHT OR DO I NEED TO START CLEARING MY SCHEDULE FOR A CORPSE PARTY?

Sollux sighed as irritation flooded through him, foreign and familiar. The only reason he was holding his shit together at all was by refusing to feel much of anything. As usual, Karkat broke that barrier down without even a token struggle. Not to mention the fact death was not a subject he liked talking about in general anymore.

TA: ii told you before that p2iioniic2 don't leave corp2e2 they leave crater2 iif they don't burn out fiir2t.

CG: PROBABLY JUST AS WELL. WHO THE HELL WANTS A BUNCH OF MOUTH-BREATHING BULGE HUMPERS STARING AT THEIR DEAD BODY AND PRETENDING THEY EVER GAVE A FUCK TO START WITH?

TA: everyone ha2 theiir own mourniing practiice.

TA: maybe 2tariing at a body make2 the realiity ea2iier two accept.

CG: …

CG: CAN WE CHANGE THE TOPIC?

TA: you brought iit up iin the fiir2t place.

CG: YEAH, I KNOW. AND NOW I WANT TO FUCKING CHANGE IT.

CG: SHIT… THIS ISN'T WORKING OUT LIKE I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

TA: then quiit wanderiing around the 2hrub and ju2t 2ay what you want two 2ay

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle-

With every minute that passed, Sollux felt his vain hope die a little more, crumbling away in his chest to leave a hollow, cold space behind. Who the hell was he kidding anyway? Despite assurances to the contrary, he was an awful candidate for matesprit to anyone. He was a pretty shitty friend, too, for letting this drag out just because he didn't want to accept reality. The small message at the bottom of the screen that indicated the other was typing kept flashing on and off with slowly lengthening periods of zero activity. Karkat was the master of words. Granted, sometimes that ability got away from him because he didn't always think things through, but it had never stopped him from simply bullying his way to a point while making the necessary apologies shortly thereafter. Anything that could be taking this long for him to articulate couldn't possibly be good.

He had just gotten to the point where he couldn't take it anymore, ready to swear in blood if need be that Karkat had nothing to fear from him just so that he could log off and go find out if it was possible to truly drown in sopor slime, when once again he was beaten to the punch. Sollux stared at the single line, unsure if he wanted to laugh or cry. Seriously? That's what had taken so long to get out?

CG: ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

He couldn't stamp out the flutter that went through him as those ritualized words sunk into his pan, warm, and reassuring, and solid. Nor could he manage to take them at face value.

TA: ii dont know are we?

TA: we can iif you want two be.

CG: WHAT KIND OF NEURON LACKING RESPONSE IS THAT?

CG: I WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED IF I DIDN'T WANT TO BE.

TA: then yeah dumba22 were 2tiill friiend2.

CG: GOOD.

CG: IN THAT CASE, CHECK THE PILE OF SMUT YOU DECIDED TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD. I'M MISSING A COUPLE MOVIES OF MY OWN AND I WANT THEM BACK.

The laughter burbled up even as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. He wasn't sure exactly what he was feeling at the moment, only that it was better than cold. The ache was still there and probably would be until he got rejected properly. For the moment, however, he let himself bask in the comfort of familiarity as he and Karkat began arguing back and forth over who was really at fault for the missing movies. It was stupid, and hesitant, and awkward sometimes, but by the time the sun was rising, at the very least, Sollux knew he was going to get his friend back.

***