Mad Jyhad

So my proper designation for the time being was Caitiff. Meaning I had no clan of my own. Though I was starting to have my own theories the more he talked about the different clans.

Before his parents died and he ended up with Bruce, Richard John Grayson had a much different life, one that extended beyond that of acrobats. Born to a Romanian Gypsy family that was closely aligned with the Gangrel. Dick could even claim family among the vampire clan. For the last few years he had been in secret contact with those family members as they prepared for something called Gehenna. A sort of Armageddon for vampires. Apparently, some old vampires that helped start the whole clan thing are supposed to come back and eat all of us. Sounded kinda bad to me. Dick wouldn't comment too much on it.

I mean isn't that shitty? I become a vampire? And some ancient bastard is going to eat me? Can't they eat the humans?

Um, okay...maybe that wasn't a good thought. But why are they going to pick on us? I mean aren't we their...kids? They are like really bad parental role models...

Long before the dawn came, Dick slipped out of the apartment again, and when he came back he handed me another bag of blood. I could feel the sun begin to rise and once again he pushed me toward his room. He turned the light off and shut the door leaving me alone.

It was about this point that I realized...there was a problem. He had his windows blacked out against the sunlight. Something all of us in the business tend to do. It was sometimes hard to sleep during the day no matter how long you were up at night, and so with the light off and the door shut...I started to feel it.

I felt trapped. Like before in my coffin. I tried to fight the panic but it got to be too much. And when the moment came where I began to relive clawing my way out...screaming for a release that never came...

The light came on and Dick pulled me out of bed. Holding me close, stroking my hair, asking what was wrong. I was so...embarrassed... as I told him. Told him about the hours, the days spent trapped within the coffin without a light until I finally clawed my way out.

"Would it help if we left the light on? Like yesterday morning?" He stroked my hair back again and gently laid me back on the bed as though I were a tiny child.

So for the first time since I was TWO years old, I had a nightlight. Or perhaps I should call it a daylight? No, that doesn't seem right...

He shut the door again and left me alone where I preceded to pout. I would much rather have had him sleep beside me than sleep on the couch. But he insisted. At least he was there. I mean he could have gone back to work! Instead he was on extended leave. He said that after I died he took the time off, personal leave. He was in mourning, for me! He missed me!

His ceiling was really...annoying. Lots of cracks in it, and before I realized I was doing it, I was counting them. The stars jeered me, they wanted my attention, they wanted to be counted too, like before, in the coffin. But edededed to count the cracks! The stars were jerks about it. Every time I got to around three hundred and seventy-five, they started counting out of sequence, messing me UP!

Finally...

Empty feeling, empty, nothing inside...All the King's horses and all the King's men... Bone replaced, skin pulled back, stitches...

Like a puzzle put back in a box, nothing connected, a mess... sewed up and cleaned. Covered and left, alone in the dark to wait...

New hands...pushed and pulled...taken away...single word penetrating the heavy fog... funeral...

In the evening I woke to a new and weird sound. Squealing? It came to me quickly. Pig. He brought me a pig.

For some reason I thought that was just the SWEETEST thing! I felt all...mushy inside. I knew I had to be grinning like a moron. I can only imagine what fangs plus demon face plus goofy grin looks like. But Dick didn't seem to mind as he shoved the pig toward me and pointed to the bathroom.

Later, Dwantwanted to explain more, he wanted to go over the traditions and the clans again. Explain more about the Camarilla and the Sabbat. But all I could hear were the stars. They were calling me. I wanted to see them. I needed to see them.

Dick started getting upset with me. I didn't want him upset but I couldn't sit still. I wondered if maybe that was how Impulse feels, the need to constantly move. I had been pacing since I came out of the bathroom. Good idea to feed in the tub, leime ime cleaning up. The night before I had to spend a long time cleaning up the mess. I also felt better since my costume was back. He picked up another of my spares while I slept.

I really needed to go outside. Needed it in a way that it was burning me. I couldn't take the walls closing in on me! I needed to be outside. Outside where it was impossible to feel trapped.

When he finally asked what the HELL was wrong with me, I found myself telling him.

"I have to go outside! The stars are calling me. They speak to me all the time but the ceiling muffles them. I need to go outside!" It was only when I stopped speaking that I realized that I had been growling.

He looked so sad. Unsaid, like a faint whisper, the word Malkavian floated through the air.

I knew it but didn't want to believe it. But deep down I knew it was true. My Sire was a Malkavian vampire. Caitiff only because he didn't get me home in time. I den deny it all I want but in the end even I had to realize that my grip on sanity was only maybe slightly more secure than those that haunt Arkham asylum.

He disappeared into his room and came back as Nightwing. For a second I wondered if perhaps my lessons were at an end. That perhaps he was going to end my 'new' life. But, of course, I was wrong. He had not given up on me.

"We could continue on the roof. You will be closer to your stars that way." He smiled at me.

I think he smiled so he wouldn't cry.

He's beautiful when he cries. I wanted to make him cry in loving ways. I wanted to touch him and make him lose himself till tears fell and...I thought to myself, 'I better just go on up to the roof now.'

There was no static up there. The temperature was turning cold but I didn't really feel it. The stars were above me like tiny crystals suspended in midair. As I looked up I automatically started to count them feeling the calm settle. They laughed and welcomed me back.

"There are seven major vampire clans and a bunch of little ones. The Brujah..." His voice was litmoremore than a whisper.

{The brutes...they just can't finish a word... once warrior-poets they are now nothing more than rebels without a clue...they would be fine if they weren't so thick!}

I whispered to the stars to shut up. Not to interrupt Nightwing!

"The Gangrels, the Malkavians, the Nosferatu, the Toreador..."

{The animals, yourself, the almost sane, then Toreador, Matador, ole! Puppets little poppet...PUPPETS! Pull their strings and watch them dance!}

Nightwing frowned as I giggled.

"Tremere, and the Ventrue...then you have Caitiff, you also have Assamite."

{Heh, he said ass...hehe...The Tremere, D&Ders that have been told their spells are real! But be careful, they are on to us! Venture with the sticks up their ass, they accept as much as Batman does, the 'denial clan'. And from the Caitiff the herald will come...!}

"...Followers of Set, Goivanni..."

{Goivanni, they'll make you an offer you can't refuse...what they paid for we got for free!}

"...and the Ravnos...there are others too but those are the ones that come to mind the quickest. There are many clans...and the Camarilla assumes that EVERYONE belongs in their sect."

{Don't they put Camarilla on some chocolate bars? Deluded, denial, they will wake up some day}

"Robin, this isn't funny!"

"I'm not laughing at YOU!"

I wasn't. I was laughing at the funny voices that the stars were making.

He took a deep breath and I knew I was not going to like what he said next.

"Tim, maybe, maybe we shouldn't...ever...let Batman know..."

Nightwing sighed and slowly sat down on the ledge. He didn't move as I slid up close to him and wrapped my arms around him, but I could feel him stiffen under my touch. I made him uncomfortable. I knew that but even as I tried to pull away he laid his hand over my arm, holding me in place. Reassuring me that he wasn't rejecting me because of what I had become.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be this way." I said putting my chin on his shoulder. "We'll play this any way you want. If you decide that it is best that I never see Batman or any of the others ever again...then I won't...I just hope that you don't..."

"I won't leave you. Especially not like this." Nightwing reassured me.

He tightened his grip on my arm, squeezing it. Closing my eyes tightly I leaned into him, feeling the warmth of his body in front of mine. Inhaling, tasting his scent and listening to his heart beat steadily within his body. All of it more comfort than the sappiest declaration.

Nightwing let go of my arm with a small pat. "Robin?"

He cleared his throat and tried to turn around but I pressed him closer to me, enjoying the feel of his back against my chest. I wanted to hold on to the feeling just a little longer. The feeling of belonging, something that I hadn't really felt, even in life, because no matter how much Batman welcomed me into his world, I still always felt like an outsider looking in. The boy that invited himself to the party, never asked. I always had the sense that he was never truly 'letting me in'. Maybe he wants to protect himself. Protect himself from the hurt.

As for my father? I never did understand his reasons for pushing me away.

Of all the people I ever knew, Nightwing was the only one that came close to welcoming me with open arms.

He killed for me. When he thought that the Joker had killed me, he beat the lunatic until he was dead...he killed for me. At the time, I thought it was more to do with Jason having died; I thought it was the guilt of the Joker escaping in conjunction with how Babs felt with not being there to see it...or that perhaps he was just tired of it all.

Now I know better. He killed for ME! My unbeating heart sang as I realized, holding him tightly, I never wanted to let go.

When I was alive I never allowed myself to analyze any of the feelings that I might have had. I protected MYSELF in that instance. I would never have been able to act upon them so I never allowed myself to 'feel' them. But now, I am no longer what I was. Any inhibitions that I had were stripped from me the moment my heart stopped beating...at least...on that front.

The wish to kill...and the fact that I don't isn't so much an inhibition as a question of remaining morality and a sense of wrongness that has only vaguely carried over. I could kill. I want to kill...I chose not to. But I think, as time passed, it became not so much because I personally didn't want to, as much as I know Nightwing doesn't want me to.

"I am learning, Nightwing. I am. I know it don't seem like it, but what you have been saying IS getting through."

I stroked his stomach with one of my hands and he shifted under me. A shudder ran through him. I could smell the change in the air. "Robin, don't..."

"Shh...please don't. It isn't the same. I won't ever age now. Please don't use that against me. And I'm hardly human anymore. You said it yourself! It isn't fair to use human values against someone that isn't human. I have no hope of every changing now. I'm stuck this way. I was reborn into sensations that I cannot even begin to describe to you. A world where you can get drunk on touch alone. A world of color and sound that can enrapture you and drive you mad, and you do both to me. I need to touch you. Please, let me. Let me love you."

He forced me to loosen my grip as he turned in my arms. Loosen them or hurt him and I didn't want to hurt him like that. "Tim, you lost your Sire. You are feeling that loss. I won't pretend to understand everything about the Sire to Childe bond..."

I nodded, unable to look away from his eyes, deep blue, endless, all encompassing. Peering intensely into his soul, willing him to be silent, not to say the words that I did not want to hear. The silence was deafening.

His body relaxed against me as I tightened my arms once more. I willed the silence to last. For just a few minutes more. All I wanted was a few minutes more. I prayed for him not to speak. Not to say anything, just to let me hold him. He sagged against me and I realized that his breathing had slowed. His pupils dilated to the point where the black had overtaken the blue. It was as though he had fallen asleep with his eyes open.

I shook him and he startled. "What?"

"I don't know..." I had no idea what was wrong with him. I ran my hands down his arms checking for darts... perhaps he had been drugged?

"What happened?" Nightwing asked again. He shook himself and blinked slowly.

I was confused and shook my head. "You just stopped talking, it was like, you were passing out on me."

He jerked away from me, stumbling to his feet. I could feel the rage around him. Through the mask I could see the glare. Anger rolled off of him in waves. "YOU...!"

I shook my head again, standing and taking a step back. "What?"

He brought himself back under control but I could still see the rage flowing through him, like tight red bands of light wrapped around him and flowing toward me. I could feel it in the air around him. Trying to surround me, trying to catch me, choking me with the scent of brimstone...the smell of anger.

"I think it is now time to talk about the...Disciplines." Nightwing said. His hands shook as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Did I do something wrong?" I involuntarily took another step back. Discipline? What kind of discipline do you give a vampire? What did I do wrong to require discipline?

He walked away from me and looked out over the rooftops. As I walked up beside him he took a step back. I felt ashamed. I didn't know what I had done, but apparently it was something bad. He was scared of me. A slightly acidic scent had added to the brimstone in the air.

I tried to stand still, I wanted to go to him and tell him I didn't mean it. But I didn't even know what I had done wrong.

A whisper upon the air and I felt something. Eyes upon us, someone was out there. I turned and looked, trying to find our spy. But it was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. Or maybe not gone, maybe just out of reach. Humans walk by and we can tell, they lean out of their windows, and we know. A jungle of scent, a jungle of easy prey.

I looked over the side of the building. Across the street a window slid shut. I sighed and turned back to Nightwing. Humans snooping around did not concern me. Nightwing was my main concern.

"I'm sorry. I know you didn't do it on purpose." Nightwing said, finally calming down.

"Different Kindred have different inherent abilities. They are called disciplines. They all possess them to a degree but some clans master certain ones. Malkavians can do what is called Dominate. That is what you just did to me. I know you didn't mean to. Not really. It was probably instinct."

"I'm...sorry." I truly was, but at the time I still didn't understand what I had done. I just wanted him to forgive me.

"You possessed my mind. Made me stop saying what you didn't want to hear." His voice was strangled. The acidic smell of fear wafted into the air again causing me to wince.

"I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again! I didn't know I was doing it this time! I just wanted to look into your eyes. To hold you!" I felt miserable. I had meant no harm. I had never intended to make him do anything against his will. That isn't my thing. And lack of standard inhibitions and looser morals or not...it will never be my thing to force someone to be with me.

"I know. I'm not angry." But he was, I could sense it. I could feel it on the air. See it in ways I can never describe. The red bands were still tightly wrapped around him, even if they were no longer reaching out to me. The smell of brimstone came to me every time the wind would gust. He was still angry.

"I'll make you a deal, Nightwing, you don't lie to me and I won't lie to you!" Suddenly, I was angry also. He was trying to lie to me. Sure, it was to keep my feelings from being hurt. But I knew he was lying and THAT hurt.

"As I was saying, I don't pretend to know everything about the Sire and Childe relationship, but I have heard that it is sometimes, not always... but sometimes... sexual in nature."

I nodded. "Yes. It is. At least for us. He seduced me even as he turned me. And he planned on completing the seduction the night I made my way out of the coffin."

I promised not to lie to him. I wouldn't lie to him. Even if the truth embarrassed us both.

"I think you are...adopting...me as your Sire." Nightwing cleared his throat and folded his arms across his chest. A slight blush stained his cheeks and I could smell the blood, so close to the surface. I wanted to take his face into my hands and breathe deeply. At least I wanted to so long as that nauseating fear scent was gone.

"Perhaps. I feel like I need my Sire. And I want you so bad."

He flinched. The truth was difficult for us both.

"I can't be that for you."

Now it was my turn to flinch.

"Is it because I'm male or because of my...age?" I actually prayed he would say it was because I was male.

He turned away from me and I could feel the lie come. "Don't lie to me. I can tell... it distorts the air around you."

Nightwing turned back to me and I could feel the shock without looking at his face. "You can tell when I..."

"Lie? Yes. Not at first, but now I can. It has been happening slowly, evolving. I know when you are afraid, like you are of me now. I know when you are angry, which is slowly dying down and beginning to fade, and I can tell when you are lying. The air has turned bitter around you; it pollutes your...aura? I don't know what else to call it. But tonight... for the first time... I can actually see it! I can't stand your lies!" I heard the hiss coming from my lips and I scared myself. My anger was consuming. I wanted to let go and let it consume all that was in my path, including him.

I wanted to burn with the anger. Burn him in turn. But in that second as I imagined his twisted and tortured body in my mind... it went away. As angry as I was, I knew that hurting him wasn't an option. It couldn't be an option. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, turning away from him. I was horrified with myself, the very idea of Nightwing being hurt by me... what had I become?

Clouds had been steadily moving in and I could feel the beginnings of snow form above me. I could see Nightwing's breath as the air turned colder, the temperature steadily dropping. I couldn't see my own. My body is too cold to make the vapor.

"You are...too young." he finally said. "I know...you are the age of consent! But morally...Tim, my job alone puts me in a position where I can't. It is still considered a betrayal of trust...maybe if you were older..."

"I will always be...too young. And as you said, I'm no longer human. Do not dare to judge me by human standards! Since when is a police officer supposed to protect vampires anyway? It isn't fair. If my Sire had not died, I would be with him now. I would be fucking him right now!" My pouting probably didn't help my case.

The harsh word got his attention. Anger again, only now a tinge of something else what was it, guilt? Jealousy? A mixture of both? The sense was too new for me to tell for sure. But thin bands of green wrapped around the red, slipping between and weaving around him.

I could feel the second he relented. His shoulders dropped and he hung his head. "I know."

Walking to him I pulled him back into a hug and laid my head down on his shoulder. "I want you."

"I can't."

I told him. "You are right, I feel...a Sire...connection to you. But I want you regardless. I've wanted you for a long time. I know you can't take me yet, but I'll be ready when you are. For now, let me touch you. Let me feel you in my arms."

I sensed someone nearby again. No threat, human, I could smell the blood. But I didn't see them. I ignored it. Too many humans skulking around the night to take too much notice, too many out and about, going about their mundane business, too many flitting in and out of my personal sphere of influence.

That was careless of me. I had forgotten in the midst of everything what Nightwing had taught me in the beginning. Always pay attention to your surroundings. It was his first lesson when he started my personal training.

"I love you, Nightwing. I'll always love you. I never wanted to think about it before...but it was always there. If you don't want me to be anywhere near the others, they need never know I'm here." His skin was getting colder as the snow began to fall steadily. My lips grazed his cheek. "Just let me be near you." I whispered into his ear. "That is enough... for now."

I could sense the battle within him. His resolve was slowly breaking down and I savored a small victory as his arms closed around me. "No pressure." I whispered. "Just let me, enjoy your warmth, your humanity. Let me enjoy being near me. It is enough for now."

Nightwing's heart was beating hard in his chest and the sound was hypnotic. The blood rushing through smelled wonderful and I wanted to kiss every inch of his body. Love him with my mouth, my hands, my body, and my teeth. All anger was gone... and fear was fading... for the most part all that was in the air was a pleasant bouquet of emotions.

My lips pressed against his cheek gently. "We need to go inside, the stars have hidden from me, they don't like the cold."

Fingers found their way into his hair and I stroked him with a light touch. "I will remain dead, to all...I can exist without them, if I can just be with you."

As we left the roof I heard the human heart beat fade. Whoever it was had wandered off, probably a vagrant, lucky for them, Nightwing helps me control The Beast as much as the feeding does, otherwise, they may have ended up on my menu.

"Nightwing, The Hunger is beginning to..."

"I have something for you in the fridge." he whispered.

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