Prancing Pervert Pants-Free
folder
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Spiderman
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
3
Views:
4,666
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Spiderman
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
3
Views:
4,666
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Spiderman, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Prancing Pervert Pants-Free
A/N: This was a story written as a gift for a friend. He gave me the outline of the plot and I gave him the story. I have promised him more chapters if he gives them to me, but it could very well be a one shot. I had so much fun writing this and I hope you enjoy it as well.
Prancing Pervert Pants-Free
It was turning out to be a bad day for Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) as he swung through the city on his regular patrol. The life of a hero was exhausting. He’d only grabbed three hours of sleep in the past few days, and it wasn’t even for a good reason. He had decided to just skip patrols today and catch up when the first irritant of the night had shown up in front of him and snatched a purse. It turned out that the guy was just thrilled to be caught by his favorite super hero and actually had to be gagged in order to shut him up.
That was only the beginning. His spider senses were tingling like mad from that event on. If he looked left the sense grew stronger on the right, and the same for the opposite. Someone out there was stalking him and it was pissing him off. After hanging the forth pair from a street lamp his senses finally focused on one area and he left before giving his traditional “Crime Doesn’t Pay” speech. He was going to find out who the jerk was before they followed him home.
The rooftop was deserted it seemed, but relying on instincts that rarely failed him was necessary for our young arachnid familiar so he stayed where he was.
“I know you’re here.” He called out. “Since you’re so bent on following me why don’t you come out and talk?”
A hole appeared in the fabric of the universe, and a being in long dark robe stepped out. His features were undistinguishable under the hood he wore. There was no way of telling that he was young or old, but the glowing red eyes were focused entirely on him.
“I knew when I found you that you were magnificent.”
“Gee thanks, but I’m not into guys.”
“You are as I wish you to be.”
“What a load of crap! Look, I know you guys are all kinds of thrilled every time someone stops you from being bored, but I already have at least two of you inter-dimensional creeps playing with me on a regular basis, and there has to be some kind of limit on the number of stalkers on guy can have. Would you like the number to some other super heroes, or perhaps the name of a good therapist?”
“For the time being my “stalking” as you call it has a time limit. It is my on’krelva, my rest period, soon I will return to my duties. However, that means that I do not have an unlimited amount of time to “play” I think you called it? I shall gather the souvenir I wish for now.”
Spidey felt a breeze below and beneath his mask his eyes were at their widest extent. The creep had taken his pants! He was so stunned he couldn’t even react to the flash of light in the corner of his eye.
“Give those back!”
“Was souvenir the wrong word? Perhaps it was pre-show that I was supposed to say?” He dodged nimbly as the half-naked man lunged for him.
“You can’t just take the pants off people!”
“I can’t? But yours came off so nicely, and I must say your body seems very impressive.”
“How would you know? You only seem interested in the front lower half.”
“I felt it.”
“Oh no, you did not!” Spidey yelled.
“Of course I did. I simply stepped into other space where time is still, and examined you thoroughly. I must say, you humans seem very firm in rear areas.”
“You grabbed my butt?” He yelped.
“Is that what the exterior area behind you is called? I think I like that. Butt,” he tried out loud. “Yes, that will do. I like your butt.”
“Y-you need to stay away from my butt.”
“I believe I wish to see you swing this way.”
“I just bet you do, you pervert, but I want my pants back.”
“But then I wouldn’t be able to add them to my collection.”
“You’ve done this before?”
“Not since my last on’krelva.”
“My life is over.”
“I have not said this.” The visitor frowned. “Why have you said these things?”
“Buddy, if you don’t know by now, you’re not going to.”
“This is why I find humans so fascinating. Say something else.”
Spiderman shook his head. This was obviously a dead end road, and he was looking like the dead thing at the end. He used his non-stick webbing to try and form some pants, but only got to a thong before it ran out.
He looked at the lunatic hopefully. “I don’t suppose you’d give me the belt on the pants would you?”
“Why did you do that? I wanted to see you swing the other way.” He whined slightly.
“Because the other way gets me arrested, and thrown in jail.” The masked man explained in an almost patient tone. “Now can I have the belt? I have to have to webbing, or I can’t make it home.”
“Oh, you have plenty to make it home I just blocked it while you were trying to make that thing.” He gestured to the thong.
Spiderman let out a short frustrated noise. He refused to admit that is was kind of a scream, especially when it was supposed to be a manly yell. He shot out his line and stepped to the edge of the roof. He was going home.
“Don’t follow me.” He threw over his shoulder and swung out.
~~~~~~~~~~o)0*0(o~~~~~~~~~
He swung over the rooftops of his city, staying as high as he possibly could, and wondered if he could get his hands on the list putting him at top of the “Intergalactic Things to Visit” and shred it. Actually, he could probably get more super heroes in on this since it seemed that Earth was at the top of the hit list as well. At least they had danger on their agenda. It seemed that all he attracted were perverts and cryptic.
His Spidey-senses were still tingling which meant that the nut was still on his trail. This was annoying to say the least, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it until the whacko got bored and went away. He wanted to smack his head into the nearest convenient building when he heard the scream from below.
A huge sigh slipped from his lips as he realized that he really wasn’t getting paid enough to do the whole hero thing. He dropped into the alley the scream came from. It seemed that robbers had decided to pick on some poor defenseless woman again. He had them wrapped in his webbing before they even realized what was happening. Dragging them out into the street he hung them from the nearest light pole and headed back to give the woman her purse. A wolf whistle brought him up short.
“Woohoo! Wouldja look at that ass!”
“Hey, Tommy, I think we stopped Spidey on his way home from the strip club.”
“Yeah, don’t blame us! We were just lookin for a way to make a couple a bucks for that thong!”
Two quick thwips of sound had the would-be robbers gagged. There was no respect in this town whatsoever!
“And you need to stop taking pictures!” He yelled at the near by roof. “I can see you y’know!”
He threw the purse back to the startled woman, and took off again. He was going home. He didn’t care if Broadway collapsed at this point. There were enough heroes in this town that they could deal with it. He needed clothes, he needed sleep and he wanted his blanky. There was some serious consideration put into calling Aunt May and seeing if she still had it.
It was a relief to reach his apartment with no more mishaps. He slid open the window only to find the pervert was in his room!
“What part of “don’t follow me” was I unclear on?” He yelled.
The sorcerer gave the impression of a pout. There was no way of telling he was pouting, which meant he was apparently very good at it, since you could definitely still tell.
“I was here to give you back your garment, but if I am such an inconvenience I can leave.”
“No!” He blurted out. “No, I would appreciate them back if you don’t mind.”
“Oh good, then here you go!” The blue (He could finally see the color) robed man said brightly laying them over the chair.
“Um, would you mind leaving now?” He asked tentatively. “It’s been a really long night and I’d like to get some sleep before I have to go to work.”
“Yes! I can do that.” He clapped delighted. A rip appeared in the universe again and the being stepped through.
“Thanks for my pants.” Spiderman called.
“My pleasure!” The red eyed head popped back through the whole. “I plan to get them off you again soon enough!”
The hole closed.
His life sucked so much.
~~~~~~~~~o)0*0(o~~~~~~~~~
Peter Parker was late for work. His alarm hadn’t gone off, the water heater in his building was busted, and every bus was late. If it weren’t for the fact that he was afraid of attracting the weirdo he would have swung to work, but after last night he wasn’t taking any chances. He must have missed the “Week Of Hell” memo. He was still exhausted from the last few days and nothing seemed to show any signs of improvement. He sprinted into the Daily Bugle’s building and ran up the stairs.
J. Jonah must have been in a good mood since the crowd around him was moving at it’s usual break neck speed, but no one was crying. He went to set his things on his desk when he heard his name being bellowed in his editor’s dulcet tones.
“Where’s Parker? I want him in here right now! No, I don’t care if he’s late! Call his cell! Who doesn’t own a cell phone in New York City?”
Peter walked into Jaimeson’s office wondering what he’d hear now.
“Parker, just the man I was looking for! I see you finally took my advice and stopped worshipping at the alter of the eight-legged freak.”
“W-what?”
“These pictures, m’boy! Found ‘em on your desk! Great work, great work! They’re going out in the next edition. Have to work up a title though. What about “The Spider Menace Shows His Webs” or maybe “Prancing Pervert Pants-Free”? I’ll have to think about it.”
“May I see my pictures again, Mr. Jaimeson?” Peter asked. He had a very bad feeling.
“Sure, I see a big bonus in this for you, Parker!” He said grinning wildly around his cigar. “We’ll make a photographer out of you yet.”
Peter’s heart leapt into his throat and then dropped to the floor. There he was in 5 by 7 glossy glory swinging around in a web thong. That menace had put the pictures he took on his desk, and he’d stolen Peter’s own camera to do it!
He backed slowly out of J. Jonah’s office, sick to his stomach, and stepped up to the secretary’s desk. “I’m supposed to get a voucher from you.” He said in a weak voice.
“Sure, Peter. Hey, are you feeling alright? You look kind of pale.” She said as she wrote it out.
“It’s just been a long week.” He sighed and accepted the voucher. Glancing down his eyes got huge. Was that the real amount? He looked at her and saw the wide smile.
“I guess the boss really liked the pictures.” She whispered.
At that moment he felt a sharp tug and the button of his trousers flew across the floor and his pants (costume included) dropped. Peter closed his eyes as his face turned a brilliant red and groped around his thighs to pull them up. The usual noise of the busy news room dropped to silence as cat calls and whistles broke out all over the room.
“I’m so sorry,” He whispered.
“Don’t be,” She whispered back with a wink. “You should give me a call sometime.”
“Peter hurried out of the room ignoring the comments, the laughter and most importantly the feeling of the hand grabbing his butt when his pants had dropped.
The End?
Or TBC…?
Prancing Pervert Pants-Free
It was turning out to be a bad day for Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) as he swung through the city on his regular patrol. The life of a hero was exhausting. He’d only grabbed three hours of sleep in the past few days, and it wasn’t even for a good reason. He had decided to just skip patrols today and catch up when the first irritant of the night had shown up in front of him and snatched a purse. It turned out that the guy was just thrilled to be caught by his favorite super hero and actually had to be gagged in order to shut him up.
That was only the beginning. His spider senses were tingling like mad from that event on. If he looked left the sense grew stronger on the right, and the same for the opposite. Someone out there was stalking him and it was pissing him off. After hanging the forth pair from a street lamp his senses finally focused on one area and he left before giving his traditional “Crime Doesn’t Pay” speech. He was going to find out who the jerk was before they followed him home.
The rooftop was deserted it seemed, but relying on instincts that rarely failed him was necessary for our young arachnid familiar so he stayed where he was.
“I know you’re here.” He called out. “Since you’re so bent on following me why don’t you come out and talk?”
A hole appeared in the fabric of the universe, and a being in long dark robe stepped out. His features were undistinguishable under the hood he wore. There was no way of telling that he was young or old, but the glowing red eyes were focused entirely on him.
“I knew when I found you that you were magnificent.”
“Gee thanks, but I’m not into guys.”
“You are as I wish you to be.”
“What a load of crap! Look, I know you guys are all kinds of thrilled every time someone stops you from being bored, but I already have at least two of you inter-dimensional creeps playing with me on a regular basis, and there has to be some kind of limit on the number of stalkers on guy can have. Would you like the number to some other super heroes, or perhaps the name of a good therapist?”
“For the time being my “stalking” as you call it has a time limit. It is my on’krelva, my rest period, soon I will return to my duties. However, that means that I do not have an unlimited amount of time to “play” I think you called it? I shall gather the souvenir I wish for now.”
Spidey felt a breeze below and beneath his mask his eyes were at their widest extent. The creep had taken his pants! He was so stunned he couldn’t even react to the flash of light in the corner of his eye.
“Give those back!”
“Was souvenir the wrong word? Perhaps it was pre-show that I was supposed to say?” He dodged nimbly as the half-naked man lunged for him.
“You can’t just take the pants off people!”
“I can’t? But yours came off so nicely, and I must say your body seems very impressive.”
“How would you know? You only seem interested in the front lower half.”
“I felt it.”
“Oh no, you did not!” Spidey yelled.
“Of course I did. I simply stepped into other space where time is still, and examined you thoroughly. I must say, you humans seem very firm in rear areas.”
“You grabbed my butt?” He yelped.
“Is that what the exterior area behind you is called? I think I like that. Butt,” he tried out loud. “Yes, that will do. I like your butt.”
“Y-you need to stay away from my butt.”
“I believe I wish to see you swing this way.”
“I just bet you do, you pervert, but I want my pants back.”
“But then I wouldn’t be able to add them to my collection.”
“You’ve done this before?”
“Not since my last on’krelva.”
“My life is over.”
“I have not said this.” The visitor frowned. “Why have you said these things?”
“Buddy, if you don’t know by now, you’re not going to.”
“This is why I find humans so fascinating. Say something else.”
Spiderman shook his head. This was obviously a dead end road, and he was looking like the dead thing at the end. He used his non-stick webbing to try and form some pants, but only got to a thong before it ran out.
He looked at the lunatic hopefully. “I don’t suppose you’d give me the belt on the pants would you?”
“Why did you do that? I wanted to see you swing the other way.” He whined slightly.
“Because the other way gets me arrested, and thrown in jail.” The masked man explained in an almost patient tone. “Now can I have the belt? I have to have to webbing, or I can’t make it home.”
“Oh, you have plenty to make it home I just blocked it while you were trying to make that thing.” He gestured to the thong.
Spiderman let out a short frustrated noise. He refused to admit that is was kind of a scream, especially when it was supposed to be a manly yell. He shot out his line and stepped to the edge of the roof. He was going home.
“Don’t follow me.” He threw over his shoulder and swung out.
~~~~~~~~~~o)0*0(o~~~~~~~~~
He swung over the rooftops of his city, staying as high as he possibly could, and wondered if he could get his hands on the list putting him at top of the “Intergalactic Things to Visit” and shred it. Actually, he could probably get more super heroes in on this since it seemed that Earth was at the top of the hit list as well. At least they had danger on their agenda. It seemed that all he attracted were perverts and cryptic.
His Spidey-senses were still tingling which meant that the nut was still on his trail. This was annoying to say the least, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it until the whacko got bored and went away. He wanted to smack his head into the nearest convenient building when he heard the scream from below.
A huge sigh slipped from his lips as he realized that he really wasn’t getting paid enough to do the whole hero thing. He dropped into the alley the scream came from. It seemed that robbers had decided to pick on some poor defenseless woman again. He had them wrapped in his webbing before they even realized what was happening. Dragging them out into the street he hung them from the nearest light pole and headed back to give the woman her purse. A wolf whistle brought him up short.
“Woohoo! Wouldja look at that ass!”
“Hey, Tommy, I think we stopped Spidey on his way home from the strip club.”
“Yeah, don’t blame us! We were just lookin for a way to make a couple a bucks for that thong!”
Two quick thwips of sound had the would-be robbers gagged. There was no respect in this town whatsoever!
“And you need to stop taking pictures!” He yelled at the near by roof. “I can see you y’know!”
He threw the purse back to the startled woman, and took off again. He was going home. He didn’t care if Broadway collapsed at this point. There were enough heroes in this town that they could deal with it. He needed clothes, he needed sleep and he wanted his blanky. There was some serious consideration put into calling Aunt May and seeing if she still had it.
It was a relief to reach his apartment with no more mishaps. He slid open the window only to find the pervert was in his room!
“What part of “don’t follow me” was I unclear on?” He yelled.
The sorcerer gave the impression of a pout. There was no way of telling he was pouting, which meant he was apparently very good at it, since you could definitely still tell.
“I was here to give you back your garment, but if I am such an inconvenience I can leave.”
“No!” He blurted out. “No, I would appreciate them back if you don’t mind.”
“Oh good, then here you go!” The blue (He could finally see the color) robed man said brightly laying them over the chair.
“Um, would you mind leaving now?” He asked tentatively. “It’s been a really long night and I’d like to get some sleep before I have to go to work.”
“Yes! I can do that.” He clapped delighted. A rip appeared in the universe again and the being stepped through.
“Thanks for my pants.” Spiderman called.
“My pleasure!” The red eyed head popped back through the whole. “I plan to get them off you again soon enough!”
The hole closed.
His life sucked so much.
~~~~~~~~~o)0*0(o~~~~~~~~~
Peter Parker was late for work. His alarm hadn’t gone off, the water heater in his building was busted, and every bus was late. If it weren’t for the fact that he was afraid of attracting the weirdo he would have swung to work, but after last night he wasn’t taking any chances. He must have missed the “Week Of Hell” memo. He was still exhausted from the last few days and nothing seemed to show any signs of improvement. He sprinted into the Daily Bugle’s building and ran up the stairs.
J. Jonah must have been in a good mood since the crowd around him was moving at it’s usual break neck speed, but no one was crying. He went to set his things on his desk when he heard his name being bellowed in his editor’s dulcet tones.
“Where’s Parker? I want him in here right now! No, I don’t care if he’s late! Call his cell! Who doesn’t own a cell phone in New York City?”
Peter walked into Jaimeson’s office wondering what he’d hear now.
“Parker, just the man I was looking for! I see you finally took my advice and stopped worshipping at the alter of the eight-legged freak.”
“W-what?”
“These pictures, m’boy! Found ‘em on your desk! Great work, great work! They’re going out in the next edition. Have to work up a title though. What about “The Spider Menace Shows His Webs” or maybe “Prancing Pervert Pants-Free”? I’ll have to think about it.”
“May I see my pictures again, Mr. Jaimeson?” Peter asked. He had a very bad feeling.
“Sure, I see a big bonus in this for you, Parker!” He said grinning wildly around his cigar. “We’ll make a photographer out of you yet.”
Peter’s heart leapt into his throat and then dropped to the floor. There he was in 5 by 7 glossy glory swinging around in a web thong. That menace had put the pictures he took on his desk, and he’d stolen Peter’s own camera to do it!
He backed slowly out of J. Jonah’s office, sick to his stomach, and stepped up to the secretary’s desk. “I’m supposed to get a voucher from you.” He said in a weak voice.
“Sure, Peter. Hey, are you feeling alright? You look kind of pale.” She said as she wrote it out.
“It’s just been a long week.” He sighed and accepted the voucher. Glancing down his eyes got huge. Was that the real amount? He looked at her and saw the wide smile.
“I guess the boss really liked the pictures.” She whispered.
At that moment he felt a sharp tug and the button of his trousers flew across the floor and his pants (costume included) dropped. Peter closed his eyes as his face turned a brilliant red and groped around his thighs to pull them up. The usual noise of the busy news room dropped to silence as cat calls and whistles broke out all over the room.
“I’m so sorry,” He whispered.
“Don’t be,” She whispered back with a wink. “You should give me a call sometime.”
“Peter hurried out of the room ignoring the comments, the laughter and most importantly the feeling of the hand grabbing his butt when his pants had dropped.
The End?
Or TBC…?